Where am I now?

Wow. So it looks, as if I have not blogged for over a year. I think part of it is because I used to feel as if I would only write when depressed, struggling or needed an outlet and I couldn’t talk about it.
Honestly, this is very true.
When I am busy and happy, I don’t think, ohh I need to write about how happy I am!

Last year hasn’t all been happy but has been stable. The end of 2019 was dramatic. I moved. I am now a home owner, with my partner, but the time we moved dad ended up being rushed in for a quadrouple bypass op. He is on the road to recovery, although he has a leaking valve and they’re not sure if he needs to be cut open again… that hurts my heart. They’re such big ops, for my dad, at his age, it worries me. The what ifs come flooding in. I worry how mum would cope. She is being investigated for heart problems and she isn’t half as strong as dad, so what on earth will happen there.
Finances are a massive concern, not because we are living beyond our means, but because of how the loans occur, so the ambiguity is just sitting there.

The main this is I am actually happy, but there are always things in the background. I just hope I can continue to juggle them.

My partner also mentioned that I need to go to therapy for dealing with the assault and trauma I went through. I said I would. I know I need to at some point. I know it sits unresolved. Squished down somewhere. However, I can’t right now. I don’t know how to handle that with my parents health and trying to sort finances. I have studies to do. I then need at least an hour a week to sit and cry with someone so once a week or month or whatever I need to rake up all the pain I’ve hidden.
I just don’t know how to handle that.
I dont think I want to.
I know I have to. I promised. I just maybe want to wait a little while first.
Once I know dad is safe and mum is safe.
Then I can talk to the GP.

maybe I can look at online therapy.
Not a face to face. that might help.

So… onwards and upwards.

My New Life

So far, things have been rolling on the up.

I hit a large bump in the road, where I was put on mirtazapine because the sertraline was giving me chronic insomnia and nausea. The trouble was, the Mirtazapine ballooned my weight. It wasn’t just because of what I was eating, I have started going to the gym 2/3 times a week, only for 30 minutes, but I have to build it up, because of my back and hypermobility.

I have also changed my diet, I have reduced wheat to 1 or 2 meals a week, and no dairy, or gluten. I have reduced portions and yet, within 4 weeks I put on 5 kilos. It was obscene.

It got me so depressed it was counteracting the point of being an antidepressent. So fuck it.

I have tried them and they make me worse.

 

Today I am soooo happy. I love my job – it isn’t hard, it in’t stressful and it isn’t 100 miles away! I am happy going to the gym and I am happy with eating better.

So I am hoping things will carry on on the up, but I will never stop looking back, as I know shit storms can come up very suddenly out of nowhere..!!!!

 

Fresh Stories

So.

It has been a while since I’ve logged on.

I spent a great deal of time crocheting my anxieties away. I left my old job, and spent time searching for a new one. There were some complications, but I am an admin now and I have been back at work for 4 days. I am enjoying the routine. I think I will be able to get along with everyone in the office and I am very glad to start earning money again.
My very own Mr Darcey has started his new job. He is struggling with the drive, and some money pressures out of his control, but through that he is happy and has found a job he can enjoy too.

I am planning to start being more serious with my art, and I have accepted that I will have to draw more and not like the drawings to get to a level where I will like them.

I have changed meds because the others were giving me such bad insomnia I felt like a living zombie creature. However, the past 2 weeks my dreams have been soo vivid and disturbed I worry that my dreams will become no solitude and a place to fear rather than to be free in.

I have started going to the gym again.
While people would say I am not “fat”. I am uncomfortable. I have a belly and instead of an hour glass I am like sausage links. So time to change.

I feel that each time I try to start anew the past vears off course.

 

This time, I hope it is stearing towards a brighter, more stable future.

I will update when I have come out of the rose-tinted, honeymoon stage of my job!

All Change

Well I have an update and a half. I will try and make it short though.

I handed in my notice, requested to leave early and now I don’t have long left and no job to go to yet…..
I am so relieved that I put myself first for once. I do feel very guilty that I’ve not waited for a job – although I have to give 3 months notice, so it would have been difficult to secure a lot of jobs with that length of time to give.

I will miss care, but at the end of the day, I can’t care well for others if I can’t care for myself. I am back on antidepressants and beta blockers. I have insomnia so get most of my sleep on either my days off (phased return to work) or on weekends, when I can nap in the mornings and have an hour or two there.

There was a facebook post floating round around how to identify someone with depression from the language they use. Often these things over simplify linguistic analysis but I get that.  It did ring too close to home. A key factor for this is the more increased use of “I”, “me” crap. A more self-centric way of thinking and talking. Because in my case, I am so focused on what a failure, or future failure, or past failure I am, will be and have been – of course I talk about me a lot. It’s also incredibly self defensive. It makes people think you’re opening up but you’re using it as a tool to distract from the flaws – if someone thinks OMG that person is SOOOO selfish then they have a lower expectation of you. They may not want to be close or so friendly or trusting. It protects them and you from potential pain.
Well that’s what I do….

It’s also weird, because for the first time, EVER with my depression and anxiety – I am not alone. My partner – he is not only understanding, but he pushes me. If I want to mope, he will let me mope for a day or half a day or two..but if he senses it’s bad – he gets me out of bed. Makes me walk the dog and go somewhere. I don’t hate him for it. I love him for it. He shows he still loves me, that I am worth the time – but also that it reminds me in a way, perhaps he doesn’t intend – that I love him with all my heart – and I need to make sure my self pity and dark demons do not detract from the affection and warmth I feel for him. He has done nothing wrong, so I can’t take those issues out on him. But I do let him take that burden when I can’t stand alone with it. If needed, I will do that for him.

We were discussing getting married the other day. While I haven’t been keen on the idea since forever – more and more with him; I want to see him in a suit, and I want to put on a beautiful dress (definitely not white or completely conventional though) and see the love in his face. I want to show my family and friends I have found someone that makes me complete.

I just hope, that I can find a job that suites me, and can bring in the money to help us have a good home together… and that by the end of the year, I am off my meds, and back to health.

Times… they are a changing.

perfect… not

Well I am on sick leave.
Great.

NOT

but I do need it. Though through this I will still have to go to work this week. Because they don’t have anyone else there right now. ARGHHHH.

 

I just want to take my meds, get over the fact they make me feel like the world is spinning and I am gonna chunder everywhere… and hide away.

so today that is what my plan is.

 

if i dont vomit everywhere first.

Why….

Ok.

Today is a small rant. Nothing beautifully written or introve, just a rant.”

A staff member threatened to sue me because I won’t do anything about her being bullied and harassed in the workplace. NOW if there was a GRAIN of truth about this, I would understand. BUT this isn’t the case. They’ve raised 4 complaints against a colleague – who now doesn’t work on the same shifts as them, and is complaining that that person is harassing their family..OUTSIDE OF WORK. They barely see each other at work and apparently in the 3 seconds their paths crossed that other staff member has managed to avoid everyone else at handover and HISS say names……. when there are 6 people TURNING UP FOR A SHIFT… THEY ALLLL DIDNT SEE IT.
OH and the issue is OUTSIDE of work.  NOTHING to do with the workplace and since I moved them off the same shifts (ONE WORKS DAYS AND THE OTHER NIGHTS) They don’t have any shared time… so please dear GOD I don’t give a flying fuck if they did or didn’t sleep with your partner and you did or didn’t call the police. IF you behave on shift then its NOT UP TO WORK.

seriously….they wants me to fire the other person for sleeping with their partner…. like I am not kidding.  Their behaviour so far has been the most out of line. They’ve shouted at me, threatened me and turns up late EVERY WEEK for shifts…  gone AWOL and has made another staff member cry.  SO DEAR GOD PLEASE tell me how they can have a “holier than tho” attitude?!?!? They’ve says I’ve not done anything – I have. I’ve moved them off the shifts and even changed one from night to day I have even given warnings – BUT the one thing they don’t get is YOU DON’T GET TO KNOW WHAT THE OTHER STAFF’S PUNISHMENT IS  —- IT’S CALLED CONFIDENTIALITY BITCH – not that they seems to understand ANY of these concepts….
I don’t need to spend my days logging interviews with staff and writing reports up over this.. like I have 4 investigation reports as well as AWOL investigation to do ON TOP of all my actual responsibilities – support plans, risk assessments, supervisions oh and I don’t know… PUTTING MY SERVICE USERS FIRST…..

 

urgh…

 

rant over.

 

dear god please let me sack them soon

brave

I think I am a coward.

This is fine. Not everyone in the world should be a brave forward facing warrior. I prefer to shrink and curl up behind a wall of procrastination and self doubt.

I don’t really know how to get the motivation to change. Even when the depression and anxiety claw at the door every waking minute of the day.

Maybe soon I will figure it out. I have to. I am just not sure which is the right way up.

Maybe there isn’t a right way…maybe there is just taking the first steps, by standing up and looking for a new path.

Looking across a dark lake, knowing you either stay, or swim across. Terrified of the inky black water…. that feeling of fear….lets see if I can figure out how to push past the fear.

Because I know I would rather drown than wait for my own demons to swallow me whole.

The conflict of loving and hating people

I have a big heart.
I pretend to not have on a fairly regular basis, but with it comes the equal amount of disappointment and hate.

I love offering help. Supporting those who need to ways to improve their lives or those that just simply need a shoulder to cry on. So they know they’re not alone. It’s why i work in car tr efeee. I love watching someone gain their independence and new lease of life.

I hate selfish people. I guess it’s because I so often am not, and it’s a convoluted form of jealousy or envy? Staff complaining about each other. When it’s not that bad. Complaining that they don’t get on with someone – not because the other person is a bully, but they just don’t like them or they smoke and get more breaks than them.

Management don’t do enough to support us.

I know I hear this behind my back on a daily basis. But actually, I know I am not a bad manager. I have a bad manager – he’s not the worst by far, he’s just too busy, doesn’t listen and has the tact of a deaf burglar and the memory of a dementia patient. I give my staff breaks and encourage them to cover each others breaks and before you go crazy –> in care contracts – breaks don’t really exist – so our staff have no paid breaks and if they want a break they’re meant to make it up at the end of shift. Care work is exempt, like nursing and other healthcare professionals from work time directive and all that – SO when I give them the chances to have lunch and fag breaks and stuff, I’m just trying to be a decent person. I know what long shifts are like and I used to do 16hr shifts with no real break – if it was quiet and you got to sit down, that was basically a break. I did night shifts work over 12 days in a row on 12 to 16hr shifts I have done that without food or real breaks other than to grab tea when serving lunches or dinners etc.  So I know how exhausting it is. So I don’t make them make up the time at end of shift – but they complain they’re not structured and staff don’t always relieve them… It’s up to them as a team to work together or I will get in trouble for giving them breaks on company pay.

They argue about how to work with our clients, but don’t look at the risk assessments or support plans.  so they make stuff up and get annoyed when I tell them not to do that as it can cause confusion.

They got upset that I brought in chocolates and cakes, and pizza and donuts, they got annoyed when we gave everyone thank you cards for doing over time or going the extra mile. They got annoyed when we said well done to everyone but it wasn’t re done when THEY were on shift. They complain they never get updated on stuff.. BUT never read the communication book, which is where I put ALLL the important information because I know not everyone can get on the computers each shift. AND when I hold weekly staff meetings and no one turns up they complain I am not communicating enough….

I would love them to have a shit manager for a month. Just to realise that I am nice. That I care. I get I will always be a bit hated. I am a manager – it goes with the territory of not being a support worker – I don’t want to be their friend. But I demand and expect people to do their job to the standard I would do it. I have NEVER asked them to do something I haven’t done myself.  And I show them. I have changed pads, been hit, kicked spat on and bitten I have been pooped on and I have sweated along with them. Somehow, despite the 1000000 things that I am behind on as a manager, because I support my team doesn’t matter.

I hate they put themselves first at work. The guys we support don’t get that luxury.
Every person is asked what would they like the life to be like of a family member if they had to live in a care home… and I swear to the Gods, they don’t think of that once they’re at work.

Somehow… somehow I need them to remember this. I dont know.

I see people doing stupid things and think maybe they deserve to not exist. I see adults be purposefully aweful to each other. You hear such horrendous things on a daily basis.. how hard it is to not gossip at work? How hard is it to WAIT until you’ve left the building to bitch or just get on with someone in a professional manner. There are so many worse things in the world.

 

Count your blessings and move on.

 

Or I might snap and kill everyone…. then they won’t have anything to complain about……….

hmmm

How to find a future

My depression and anxiety are like those friends you don’t really like, but don’t have the heart to get rid of or if you tried you know everyone would hate you for it.

I know they make me who I am, but half the time I feel chained and pulled back from it.

I guess for me, working in care, I enjoy that, but the stress and managing the staff genuinely makes me feel sick, makes me exhausted and because of my anxiety I am so scared I am doing a bad job I can’t take it easy. I can’t take pride in myself. I am proud of my work and the job I do, but in myself I feel bad. I feel ashamed. I feel hopeless.

My dream or goals are in art.

I know I won’t have a successful carer just in art. I am no damien hurst or tracy emin, I don’t have constable’s skills or turners talents. But I think I can make some pretty things. I want to have a shop, I want to fill it with beautiful painted furniture and prints and cards. I want it with my whole soul if I had one.

I guess what I need to do, is finding the energy to work on my dream, while living in purgatory.

The saving grace is the man and his doggo in my life. He is my world and my inspiration. He makes me smile when all I want to do is hurt myself or cry. He makes me feel beautiful when I feel fat and unfeminine. He makes me want to sleep at night and get up in the mornings. If I can do something for him, like living and working on myself to make him proud, then I am going to try.

Here’s to 2018 and hoping I can move foward and make the world a better place along the way.

 

New Year Blues

A new year. A new start. This is always considered the opportunity for a factory re-set or for people to attempt to kick start the things they leave to the back of the priority list.

You eat yourself to death over Christmas, put yourself in debt to show people who you love unconditionally a stupid present they don’t need, to ensure they still love you back. It’s ridiculous.

I am fat now. To me. I am fat.
I am in debt. fact.  I am in debt.

I think I hate my job.  I don’t know. The stress and the way things work make me dread the day.

I have staff bitching about each other affecting service and some how I am meant to fix them? I am not their mother. I didn’t teach them their manners. Somehow I have to override their lack of either a work ethic or professionalism. I want out.

My soon to be boss can’t remember his rear from his front and expects everything yesterday and this is from someone who’s never worked in care.

He’s delayed my expenses claim AND refused to step me up till my manager goes on leave. BUT acknowledges that I’m running the service now AND I will be on 10 grand less than an actual manager.

 

I am too sad, too tired and too fed up to go to the gym. I miss the gym but I’m too depressed to go. Irony right?  The cure is out of reach because the disease is too strong right now.

well. maybe I will have to try at some point. Can’t start the new chapter of the year already given up.

Happy New Year.
Same shit different day